Wow, things keep moving along. I graduated today from my physical therapy. My knee is doing great! Healing and bending like a champ, I think I may be stable for a time. I hope and pray this is the case and I am feeling less fearful about the positive things I am feeling in my body. My daughter and I are getting along better right now too. But NO expectations. She is after all a teenager.
Not everything is perfect, by no means, but I have learned I do not get it all. I am however, feeling a sense of satisfaction with the portion I do get.
There has been a theme running in the background lately. A continual reminder that God is big enough to take on the messiness of life and turn it into blessing. I look back at so many situations in my life that at the time seemed insurmountable, and today they are some of my biggest sources of strength and growth. These messes have shaped me into the person that I am today. A person that can understand, relate and reach out to others in ways that are totally unique to me.
The part of this theme that I find amazing, is that in spite of many of these messes being negative and dark, they have been transformed into a place of triumph and growth. God can take even the dark places and use them. WOW! My trust in him wavers so often and I just take over in my own “wisdom” and try to fix things all by myself. I was told by a friend the other day to look back at some of the hard times and see if they had not been used to His good. I must say, that it is the case. I am a better person for they way God has put things back together.
I know that we have hands and feet to put them to use. I know we are supposed to do some work, not just sit back and wait for God to do it all. But when I am in over my head, he can totally lift the weight from me so I can catch my breath. My load can be lighter with His help. I am grateful for friends and the reminders of what is my responsibility and what is not within my control.
I was just texting my mom earlier today. We have limited contact and are trying to open up the lines of communication and amazingly this is working. She sent me a perfectly innocent comment, “Hope you are having a good day”. As I wrote back that I was feeling amazingly good lately, I realized that tears were filling my eyes. I am feeling better, way better than I have in YEARS, but with that sense of health and well being, comes the fear that it is fleeting. That the shoe may drop at any moment and it will all come crashing down around me.
I have lived for so long with chronic illness. My body defied my best dieting efforts with the hormonal changes I was experiencing and the physical changes that came along with the illness made me feel like I was living inside of a stranger. But recently, I am feeling more like myself feeling “balanced”. I am responding to my current medication in a positive way and it is bringing me healing. My body is responding with an ability to lose inches around my midsection and in my upper body. It has been so long since I have seen my waist I forgot what it was. I am finally feeling like I know me again. But in the middle of this feeling of happiness, I am scared. Scared to celebrate, scared to think it may last. I am remembering the advice I share with so many to take things one day at a time. Sometimes it is even one moment at a time, but this advice is easy to give, and not take.
It is almost as if I feel like I am not allowed to be better, to be well, after being sick for so long. It is really just about moving forward, taking things as they come. I don’t really like that, I do not like living without a script. I crave knowing what the next step is, the next thing to do, the next project that will show me the pieces to the puzzle I am missing. I want to fill in the puzzle, complete the picture. I hate being a work in progress.
Progress is good… I guess.
Seems to be a back to normal day. Glad to meet with friends and have time at a haunted corn maze with the families fron youth group. It was a good night. I also was with my dearest friend and her children, watching her limp through the maze on her broken foot with her son dragging her along behind as he ran from the scaries in the maze. It was good.
I will try to rest and look forward to it. Lots of walking and am tired. I am glad to be home though. It is a good place to be.
No on told me being a parent would be like this. No one told me the choices they make can make you ache inside as if it is happening to you. No one told me that when they fall down, when they pretend it does not hurt, the pain you feel is excruciating. My heart is heavy, my desire to let my daughter feel her own feelings, guide her and hope for the best, is all well and good in theory, but as it happens, I feel helpless. I am helpless. The road she is traveling is ripe with danger, with potential long term ramifications. I try to guide but she resists, running full speed to the edge of a cliff. Will she stop before she gets too close, or will she topple over the side? My heart is turning cold, hardening to protect itself from pain. Wrapping upon itself like a cocoon safe from the influences of those around me. I feel tired, tired, alone and sad. Sometimes it is all too much.
The sadness that sits on me will be there for now. It is my friend. It is my companion. I will embrace it, feel it and then let it settle. I know it is just a thing, a part of life, I will not avoid it or ignore it. I am strong and it will help me grow.
Some days are harder than others. The days when I forget my boundaries, or when people do not act as kindly as I would like. Those are the days I would certainly like to live without, but how realistic is that? The challenge is to respond in a way that is healthy and makes me realize that somewhere inside of me there is growth and hope for more and a belief that I can ask for what I need. That place is often hidden so deep that I have to sit with myself and just wait for the realization to come to me that I am only worth what I expect. What I feel I deserve is so often what I get. If I am open to mistreatment and judgement because I do not believe the best of myself, no wonder all the voices that are unkind hurt so much. I believe they are right!
I’m going to spend more time listening to voices that speak life, that shout for more. They are quiet at first, but if I begin to listen they grow and become the words that drown out all of the others that hurt and destroy. I am sitting in the midst of the shouting, listening for the whispers….
I am sitting and have just watched my team make a comeback and lose in overtime. Aaaah, if this would have been the Superbowl game of last season I may not be embarrassed to say I am a Bronco fan. LOL It is a lazy day. I am readying myself for another week post surgery and ready to amp up the work load as well as trying to be more involved at home with cooking and things. I am ready to not sit so much but also realize I have limits.
I am feeling restless, wanting to get busy. Needing to really. I am sleeping poorly, just waking to that dull ache of recovery. It is not so much that i want to take pain pills, but, it is not so comfortable that I can sleep. I know it will get better in a relatively short time and the end result is so much better than before. I have so many already telling me that i am walking better and faster then I have since they have known me. I look forward to many hikes next summer. It is time to get out into this beautiful Oregon terrain and see all of the beauty where I live.
All just keeps on going, trying to just be, just feel, just live in relative simplicity. Lowering my stress level. It seems to be working. Even in the midst of wanting to be busier it is still just a small impact. One of the things that I can tell is helping, is to be a support to others in their stress, and not make it mine. This can be hard, but it is also a choice. So little is mine to fix, sometimes I can just listen and be there. It is enough.