Being real…

I am the wife of a pastor. The challenges of this are often hard to describe. However as time goes on and I continue to see the difficulty of being myself, of expressing my thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement. I wonder how easily anyone does that. Life is filled with risks and if I walk around in constant fear of whether or not I may offend someone by expressing my thoughts there is something wrong. I wish to live an authentic life, one that i am called to live, that is in keeping with the experiences and thoughts that have come to me through those experiences.

My role, as the pastor’s wife, adds to the feeling of being seen as someone I am not. So there has been a long period of time that I have been less than authentic. As this behavior continued over several years, I became that person. The one that held back and acted in a way that I thought was expected. However the behavior caused me to become someone I barley knew. In the midst of it though, I felt an ache, a desire to act out. I would do this by saying things or acting in ways that were not always acceptable, especially in light of he role I had created for myself. The nature of this behavior resulted in a form of passive aggressive behavior that only served to make me feel more alone.

I have read other writings about the challenges in being a pastor or part of a pastor’s family. The imposed isolation in order to shield oneself from so many opinions and the resulting loneliness was not something I thought would touch me. Not me, this outgoing  and friendly people person. Perhaps that is why it happened. I thought I was immune. It seems I was not. Working through this is difficult. Finding connections, seeking out safe places to reach out and also to let others reach me will take time. But it is worth it. Real relationships with open and honest communication and care between people is built over time. So I seek these places and as I do I am seeing they may actually exist. This is a time of discovery and also learning again to be who I was meant to be.

I believe that we are given experiences in our lives, both hard and easy and going through them is meant to be shared. The difficulties give us strength and we can pass this strength on, and the joys we share will uplift and give others belief that they have hope too. I am grateful that there are people out there that are willing to open up and become authentic as well, it helps make the journey full and meaningful.

Let the journey begin….

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Posted by on July 14, 2014 in Relationships, Thoughts About Life


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So. . .

Why is it I often want to start writing with the word, so? It is a way I have of telling someone something. So… the other day. Or… So, did you know this or that. It is something I say when I want to cut off any form of argument, to be right. So….. I guess sometimes when I want to start out by writing with that wonderful two letter word, I may be feeling bossy, or self righteous, or just right. Then I think to myself what is it i want to be so right or righteous about. Therein lies the problem with the word so. I often do not have any idea what it is I am feeling so right about, or if i do, I do not have a leg to stand on.

Often my life is filled with insecurity and doubt. All of the bluster that shows on the outside can so easily be uncovered as just that. The woman I am can easily see where you are in need of help, correction, holding up, or care. But when it comes to myself, I have such a hard time identifying what is going on inside that to ask for or get help is nearly impossible. Oh, do not get me wrong, I seek help. I look in all the right places, but when it comes down to it, it is difficult to get past the place of trying to “look” good. To be liked is supremely important when paying for a therapist to guide you, right? To get past that is very difficult.

The goal is to find a way to reach down deep and get honest. To say to hell with it. My desire is to find peace, to be healthy and real, not to makes another feel better about me, but to help me feel better about me. That is how one can truly be whole and find real value. There will always be critics, no matter how one acts they will find you. It is my choice whether I choose to listen to them.

Sooooo, here is to the critic and the fan, I choose not to cater to either.


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Posted by on June 18, 2014 in Thoughts About Life


10 Things Pastors Hate To Admit Publicly


This is a great look at some of the issues facing pastors and their families.

Originally posted on

MB Posts When Ellen and I were first married ministry was not our 20-year plan, the Navy was. We had it all planned out; we were to spend the next 20 years with me being gone for 15. The Navy explained to my sweet new bride how grueling it would be, that I would be gone often and that even when I was around my mind would be elsewhere. Knowing that my particular career path in the Navy would be a marriage destroyer I pursued a discharge for the pursuit of higher education. With the promise of a difficult future behind us we embarked upon an easier dream where everyone would love us and things would be calm: pastoral service.

Twenty plus years later I can tell you it has been a ride we never could have anticipated. So much so that only now do I feel equipped enough to share a…

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Posted by on May 20, 2014 in Thoughts About Life


The In-Between

Sometimes in the midst of a happy life you realize you may not be as happy as you thought you were. You may be going along day by day and it finally strikes you that things are not what they seem. That for much of your day you have been living in falsehood. It doesn’t mean that everything is a lie, or that it all is awful, it may just mean that you have become someone you do not know or like as much as you once did.

It may take the shape of a face that you put on every day to wear in public, but is not really who you are meant to be. The one that laughs at the right things, answers questions politely and does not really have a strong opinion about much of anything, because it may cause problems. Eventually the face becomes more and more you, until you lose yourself completely in the deception. You wonder why life seems more flat, but you cannot put your finger on it. You think everything is fine, perfect even, then you hear yourself saying it too many times and you realize it is not true, things are not perfect.

The realization may come with relief, the relief that you can make it different, change back into the person that you once were. Or, it may come with a sense of fear, because you think that now it is too late to make it any better. Your life has had too many twists and turns, and there are too many corners to find your way back to who you are.

So where do you go from here, from this place of in-between? You go anywhere you want. You do not go back, but move forward. Move in a direction to find out who you will be, who you want to be and work toward that new goal. The twisted path that got you where you are was full of purpose and lessons and things that can mold and shape you into a person of greater worth. It is time to let her out, let her explore. To allow her to find a new path and see where it leads…


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Posted by on May 18, 2014 in Thoughts About Life



It’s Go Time

I must admit that I have been extremely tentative about writing this first blog entry. I ask myself if I have anything others would want to hear, or why what I say is important enough to post in a public forum. Then, I remember the process is for me. It is a process of opening up, of revealing oneself in ways that may be helpful to yourself and those around you.

I have long had a desire to speak out, to use the voice that God has given me to share about my joys and trials. The unique path that I have walked, or often tripped down has been often fulfilling, frustrating or just difficult, but never ever dull. The words that tell it need to spill freely so I expect to hop onto a soapbox or two along the way, and I also expect to be challenged while I face a personal demon or two. I just hope they are not too big!

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Posted by on May 15, 2014 in Thoughts About Life


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