musings on life, love, and the world in general


This year feels like it is not really Thanksgiving. Half of my family will be out of town. My daughter who is the vegetarian and on a perpetual “healthy eating” kick does not want to have a feast. So what does that mean for the holiday? A day off to put me totally behind and fill my Friday and weekend with stress. I think tomorrow I will end up working at home to get caught up to justify the “day off” and Friday still be loaded with too many things to do at the office by myself. Yes I am whining, but it feels good.

Actually it should be a time for me to look beyond the festivities of a “planned” holiday, to really be thankful. This is a practice that I want to take on whole heartedly every day. I actually like the down time of not having a full house and I am glad my husband gets to spend some time with his dad. Those chances are few and far between and must not be taken for granted. So, as he travels with my oldest daughter and the youngest and I try to get along for a couple days by ourselves, I will look to all the things for which I am grateful and remember that I have more than my share.


Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Colossians 3:18-19

I can remember sitting in Bible class when this passage came up and I heard the collective gasp of hostility run through the women present. It was like the leader had brought up a dirty word, submit. Why would I, a woman, an equal to a man do any such thing? Well for one reason if you are a Christian wife, you do it because God tells you to. It is the classic parent’s answer, “because I said so”.

There are several reasons that being a submissive wife works. The first and foremost is that if you are married to a Godly man, it is an essential element for a successful marriage. Let me tell you why. Every ship needs a captain, every castle a king, and every marriage needs a spiritual leader. If you are both living in submission to God, He tells us, as couples, that it is the husband’s job to be that spiritual leader for his family. If the husband is actively following Jesus, you will be fortunate to have him to submit to. He won’t act to your detriment because he will love you as God tells him to. When he makes decisions, he will consider you first. This is all because his role model is Christ, the one who tells us that we love Him why? Because He first loved us.

So why do so many women have a problem being told to submit? I think it is because they have not considered the first rule when choosing a mate, to not be unequally yoked. Simply stated, this is just telling a person to marry someone who believes the same thing spiritually as they do. When a person is married to someone who does not live by the same core beliefs, chances are there will be challenges. It is a major cause of disillusion and marriages disintegrating into divorce.

There are of course wonderful, loving men who are non-Christians, and there are also men out there saying they follow Jesus that are completely false. Those are not the men I am talking about. I am speaking of those that walk what they talk. A man that you have chosen because as you have gotten to know him, he has proven himself to be faithful and genuine. When you have that, a man who is honest, faith filled, and to the best of his ability, living a life that is following Jesus, you have found a treasure worthy of your submission.



Do you ever have those days when you wake up with eyes swollen, puffy and red due to a crying jag from the night before? Sometimes it is because of a wonderful or wonderfully sad book I have been reading late into the night, or because of a mood I am in due to what I call “just being a girl”, or other times it is because I am a mom, or a wife or a daughter. However it happens, it leads to a morning when I am lethargic, reflective, tired, all in all just a slug.

This time the puffy eyed morning was due to what seemed like an all-out war, a small disagreement that led to anger and words that can never be unheard or unsaid. Words that once strewn about so carelessly leave damage in their wake. I am a casualty of the words this time, but I have shot my fair share of victims with my sharp shooting tongue as well.

Why is it that when emotion renders effective communication unfeasible, the first instinct is to go for the throat with words of hate and anger. I am sad today. It is draining to try to recover from the wounds that anger inflict, to remember that what is said is not always what is really meant. Especially when inside, deep inside, I feel like it is true. That all of the terrible things said to me really do come from a place of truth and anger and dislike. Dislike of me and who I am. How I am. The words take on the power of the truth I believe, they lodge in the pit of my stomach twisting with each memory of remembered pain. The pain pulls me inside, withdrawing from feeling at all. It is difficult to feel anything when you retract into that protective shell. The place where words do not matter and the feelings that surround them cannot hurt you.

I struggle living in a world where so few ever say what they really think, or act in a way the reveals anything genuine. Nothing deeper than a litany of sounds used to get the desired result from whatever audience you are trying bend to your desire. I long to be genuine to be heard and to listen. To have honest dialogues that do not need to be guarded and measured. But it is impossible when there are lies and deceit and mistrust. How do you get to a place of healing when you have gone down that dead end road so many times? So for now, I will hide and heal, and hope that the person who loves and want to be loved will return. Return to do more than just crawl through the day. However, some days crawling is as good as it gets.



I struggle with demons. Okay, not real ones, but the kind that get into my head and eat away at me and press and push until I am almost powerless to do anything other than the thing they want me to. You know those compulsive thoughts that just will not stop running around in your brain?

Sometimes they are so far away from me. I am moving through life with all the power of a freight train. Doing the right things, thinking all healthy thoughts, everything is right within my universe. Then out of the blue compulsions hit me. A silly one is ice cream… ugh! Have you ever just decided to get in shape. Lose those last 5 (or 25) pounds, and that is the very moment  when you cannot get the thought of a salted caramel pecan blizzard out of your brain.

There are other demons that haunt me from time to time. They are the ones that are deeper and darker than ice cream or just wanting to hide from everything in a novel all day. I can usually keep them at bay through self discipline which involves a regular time with God in study and prayer, and by having self imposed boundaries. But sometimes that seems to only push them further into the shadows, lurking for the opportunity to strike. They have been lurking lately, I want to run and hide from them, push them deeper into the dark, but that is a problem. They like the dark, it is where they can grow and take on a life of their own.

So what to do? How do I dispel the the darkness? Turn on the lights! Talk about what is going on, and recognize that I am not alone. I can talk about my demons with those I trust, and as I do the light grows and grows until the shadows fade. Shadows cannot exist in the light and neither can secrets live within honest and open relationships. I am grateful for the people in my life that will be with me, that understand who I am within my imperfections, that listen and love me in spite of them. It is what keeps me sane.


I just finished reading another book I found here on word press, “The Waiting Room” by Alysha Kaye. It had an unusual story line that I really enjoyed in spite of it falling way outside the spectrum of my real life beliefs. But, that’s what reading and fantasy is for. Going beyond the everyday, thinking outside of the box or sometimes just having fun and escaping.

“The Waiting Room” is a story of true love that literally dies again and again, lifetime after lifetime, only to awaken to the knowledge that true love never really dies. It is the story of Nina and Jude a couple that loves one another wholly and completely. Waiting for each other, loving each other, believing their love is special.

This was a quick read, but it was entertaining and emotional. It made me cry and smile and hope and when I put t down I wanted to tell others to pick it up.



I decided it was time to at least get some thoughts down as I have had NO traffic for a couple of days!! Anyone who knows me, knows that if it is morning and I am at work, I am eating peanuts and drinking coffee. Not the best breakfast, but it is at least packed with protein.

I have not really talked about my illness in awhile. Well I have not talked about it, because it has been off the radar. I have had a wonderful period of recovery. Feeling good, happy to be a year past my second knee replacement and just over all   improved health with the twice a day injections I will most likely have to take forever.

That being said, I have been getting a lot of headaches lately. Everything from mildly nagging and long lasting to severe migraines that cause nausea and throwing up. The only thing that seems to cure those is Excedrin and sleep. I’ve also been exercising much more and with that came tendinitis in the top of my foot. It is painful to walk and I am limping again.

These things separately are really not a big deal I know, but… and this is a big but… When I was becoming so sick before, a lot of little things began adding up. They added up to the point that I was so sick that I could have died. While this was happening I just kept writing all of the symptoms off to some “normal” occurrence. Like age or just being moody, or that I had gotten headaches my whole life. There was always a reason for the most recent ache, pain, mood swing, or problem. Unfortunately the only reason was that I was ill. It was a systemic illness that affected everything in my body, caused from the tumor in my head.

So what does that mean today? Well it is something I want to again write off, it is something I want to ignore, but my past tells me that I cannot ignore it. So I begin to make doctor’s appointments. Just to be sure I am not sick. It is complicated living with a managed illness.

I really want so much to be normal, to not have to always think this way. I feel like I am perpetually complaining. I have heard it said about so many wonderful old people that “you never heard them complain”, well they will never say that about me. If I had not started complaining, I would most likely be dead today. So here is to another round of doctor visits and the hope that it will all be nothing to worry about. But for now, this moment, it is hard to sit in the unknown. The thought that even after all the testing, I may still not know if I am fine, I guess that is the tension of life. I just am one of those that got to experience the possibility of endings first hand. It makes the journey all the more precious,

The other day after a great workout at the gym my husband and I came home to shower. Now, the house was empty, which rarely happens, however I am not going to say if we took advantage of that fact or not. But after my shower I was drying off I heard Jim laughing out in the bedroom. My oldest daughter was pressing a note under our door as she had gotten home and did not know if we had heard her come in, so she wrote us this…

Dear mom and dad, please come downstairs fully clothed, I would hate to have to gouge out my eyes.

We opened the door and she was standing there laughing at us. We really did look as though we had just taken a shower, (I am not going to tell you if that is all we did… stop asking) so she was not too embarrassed. And we all laughed and I switched gears into mom mode.

It is always an adventure with children in the house trying to be a grown up adult couple. I think it is difficult trying to be a woman and a mother. It is a balancing act at the best of times but for those times when you really would like some alone time for just the two of you… Well that is another story. I used to watch couples on TV talk about this issue, and I would think that they were odd. That it could not be a big deal. But even when you are me, a very open and honest mom who talks with her girls about most anything. There are still things that are just not anyone’s business.

So how does a couple that is still in love and like to be alone together get away with it in a house of teenagers? Naps are nice, or maybe a shower after the gym? (Really, for the last time, I am not going to tell, so stop asking.) Or you just get a bedroom door that locks and have a standing rule that when the door is closed you leave us alone!! Except when they don’t… and you hear the light knock… the tap tap tap…. and you roll your eyes and quietly say “Yes? One second…” and you slip into something less comfortable and go to the door to be a mom one more time, and then you embrace all of who you are.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 322 other followers