A full day yesterday leads to a day of rest. I worked for the first time since my knee replacement, it was a good day, but tiring, Then I had a meeting until 9pm. All of this good and I feel I was ready, but it was tiring. I will rest today. Although I have a hard time resting, I feel like I need to be doing something, somethings busy. Something to slow my mind to a low murmur.
I am missing things of the past, trying to feel the reality of where I am at right now. Find acceptance inside myself. I am losing weight, seeing that is good, but knowing I am older, my body has changed with my health situation and I am looking for a way to be accepting of this me who I am now, right now at this minute.
Sometimes there is no where to take the feeling that overwhelm me. I am learning from my therapist that one must have something to do with them, and there are good ways and bad ways to do it. My best tool is sharing with others. I like to take the thoughts that whirl in my head and talk them over with someone that gets me. The hard thing is if they are not available. Either due to them being to close to the situation or because they just are not there.
I was in that place last night, it was a place of disappointment, sadness and fear. I am raising a defiant 15 year old. I need not say another word, as I know that statement says almost everything. As I work on new skills to help modify behavior and keep neutral in often volatile situations I can fail, and last night there was a failure. I cannot say that what I did was wrong or over the top based on he actions, but it did not follow the new way we have decided to work on behavior. I hate it when I am the one that is overwhelmed with anger and frustration and being manipulated to the point of acting like the child.
Patience…. Patience and practice. I know I will get better at it. Many of the tools I am being shown are so new to me, and it is hard to separate feelings when a small person is in your face, telling you that you need to be quiet because you will never shut up. Ugh!! That one is going to take some time.
The thing is, after the situation, I found I had no one to go to, nowhere to release. It is tough as my husband is so close to the situation, and he is the one I often talk to. I ended up texting my mom. My mom with whom I have had an on and off relationship for years. It was the perfect place to go. I was amazed at the words she shared. It felt healing, and it was for so many reasons. I got the mom that I needed and I felt that I was being the best mom I could be at that moment. After a few tears and a bit if time I was feeling better.
The feelings I fear so much did not kill me. I found a place to take them, to feel them and then put them to rest. They are good things as much as I would prefer to just feel the happy ones. They are all there for my good and have a purpose. I am ready to face another day of ups and downs once again knowing that whatever comes I am able to go with it and do the best I can.
I feel sad today. I had a good day, a day that had a lot of activity, time with a new person I am hoping will be a good and positive connection, beautiful scenery… But I am a bit off…
Sometimes life is just like that I guess, I can do all the right things, and go out of my way to be all that I want to be, do the right things, and yet a sense of sadness can fill me. All just feelings, all okay, but it does not mean I have to like it…
I am totally feeling housebound. Sitting here in recovery and no contact with those I am use to talking to. I did not feel this restless with my last knee surgery. I was so ready for a break at that time, so happy to be home and just free to hang out. I spent my days filled with TV and resting, it was great. But two 4 to 5 week breaks from everything in a year is perhaps a lot. Especially as this time feels different. I feel less connected, restless, and it is growing each day.
I think I am going back to work part time next week. I need to be interactive and busy. I want to do so much, but I am not ready for any big changes right now, so just getting back to normal will be nice. I miss my interactions, my conversations with my friends and the meetings and groups I attend. I need to remember that where i am at is just where i need to be, whether it is hard or not.
Tomorrow I will go on a drive with my nurse from my surgery. We will take a tour of the local waterfalls you can see from the road. Yes I am trying to grow and make new friends. It is an odd experience and an adult to make friends. I often wonder if it is worth the trouble. It is so hard to find connections that are meaningful not to mention the time it takes to do it. I am trying to be brave, to be open bit by bit to let others in and to experience them. Scary as it is. Sometimes I feel like I make these bonds and then they are ripped from me. I have moved a lot and had to let go of so many people. I do not want to let go of people any more.
Deep breath. Tomorrow is another day.
I changed my blog theme. I found as I look around at other sites, those that are too busy seem totally unreadable. But beyond that, I saw a simplicity in the themes that had less going on, a kind of flow that leads your eyes down the page wanting to read more.
I find this is the way with so many things. keeping it real, simple and easy to follow. When I can live like this it seems to be the time when I am most content. When I can flow and live in the moment, in what is going on right now. It is hard not to get ahead of myself. Hard not to place all sorts of expectations on myself. I have wanted to do something with my life, as if so far I have done nothing. Just thinking of this at this moment it makes me smile. I have done so much. But is there more? Perhaps, but it is a path, a journey and I can take only one step at a time and do it with purpose and intent.
I was meeting with my therapist the other day. While I recover from my second total knee replacement in a year, I was bemoaning the fact that I want to be so much more. That I may never get to the place where I wish to be. That it seems I have no way to get there. He looked at me and asked me if I could be a world renowned speaker today. (A tiny dream right?) And I said to him, now? Like today? As he nods, it struck me, no, today that was not who I am. So out loud I said “No, not today.” What an amazing weight lifted from my shoulders. I cannot be that today, does that mean that I can never be that? NO! But I can be fulfilled right where I am, not lose the dream continue on the path, but not judge myself for where I am.
Today I think i will sew. I can do that today. That much I can accomplish in the midst of this latest recovery. I will not ask much more of myself.
Recovering from surgery is a process that I am familiar with, but tired of. This is the last operation, I hope, for a while. It becomes draining to sit and be unable to participate as I wish to. I am lucky I guess, I have people to look out for me, friends that visit, but I feel restless. I feel somewhat like I am a captive and I want to break free. It will pass, as I get better and life once again presses in on all sides, i will wonder why i did not try to enjoy this down time more. Why I did not just relax a little but unstead was constantly searching for thing to occupy my thoughts.
I would think by now with all of the health issues I have had I would be more familiar with the process. But instead I find I am afraid that it is just another step along the road of countless other things I may have to eventually deal with. I try to not become fatalistic, I try to remain positive, but there are times, there are days when this is more difficult. So when these times hit, I just ride them out.
The truth of it is, that things may not ever improve greatly with my health. It is the reality of one with a chronic illness. But as I move through my life I need to choose to let it BE me, or to let it just be a thing that happens to me. I am so much more than all of this. So much more than aches and pains and needing to go to the doctor so much. I pray I will recall that when the hard times, when the self defeating times come.
I am grateful that I have faith. I can rest in my faith and find the comfort that pulls me through and gives me hope. Hope that it is all for a purpose.