Here’s to a day with a full heart. Balancing one’s heart is tricky business.
I spent the morning with a friend and then I tried on old clothes. It was amazing that some I have missed so much fit. Some not yet or maybe ever, but I am good with where I am at today. Feel good in my body. I also know that I am ALMOST 51… It is a good place today. I can do some more ab work, and also work on tightening up. It is a good balance…
Hoping today brings me and all I am connected to peace and love….
Tonight i went to the College concert for my oldest daughter. She is playing in the bell choir. The concert included small ensembles including strings and brass. It was rather short, but nice. I caught myself tapping my foot a lot and for a bit was getting rather rowdy. I finally felt my husband’s foot slip under mine to get me to cool it. LOL… I remember stories of this happening to others, and it made me smile. :)
All in all a good night, and a night to be proud of my child.
Sometimes things are good…
Life is good. A few observations…
I am happy today.
I feel loved.
I am bossy.
My cuteness more than makes up for it.
Have you ever had one of those days that you feel as grey as the weather. That all you want to do is complain, but there is no one to tell. The things you want to go on and on about are not something you get to share with them. So I guess I will unload it here…
I hate it when people comment on how you look to the point of telling you what to do!! It is so irritating. I am losing some weight. Finally, after years of struggle with an illness. I am feeling more like the old self I knew for so long. Well out of the blue people will just comment on my appearance. “Oh your looking so good… But you aren’t going to lose any more weight are you? I think you are thin enough” or “Oh no… you do not need to lose anymore weight. You will be too thin then.” Where were those people when I was putting on the many pounds plaguing me for so long. No one told me “Oh my, you are getting quite large, ya going to do anything about it?” I so often want to just want to say to them “Who the hell asked you? How do you know what I am comfortable with inside of my own body?” I am just amazed at the unsolicited advice.
There are also those people I have to deal with that think they know what is going on in some particular situation, but really have NO idea what the whole story is. I often have the back story, but am not allowed to share it. It KILLS me. I want to explain, get them join my team. Of course my team has all the answers, right?
Amazingly I went to a service tonight at church, and it brought me around. It is good to let go give it all to the One who REALLY is in charge. I just hope he will give me patience with all the dumb asses that think they know how much I should weigh.
Wow, things keep moving along. I graduated today from my physical therapy. My knee is doing great! Healing and bending like a champ, I think I may be stable for a time. I hope and pray this is the case and I am feeling less fearful about the positive things I am feeling in my body. My daughter and I are getting along better right now too. But NO expectations. She is after all a teenager.
Not everything is perfect, by no means, but I have learned I do not get it all. I am however, feeling a sense of satisfaction with the portion I do get.
There has been a theme running in the background lately. A continual reminder that God is big enough to take on the messiness of life and turn it into blessing. I look back at so many situations in my life that at the time seemed insurmountable, and today they are some of my biggest sources of strength and growth. These messes have shaped me into the person that I am today. A person that can understand, relate and reach out to others in ways that are totally unique to me.
The part of this theme that I find amazing, is that in spite of many of these messes being negative and dark, they have been transformed into a place of triumph and growth. God can take even the dark places and use them. WOW! My trust in him wavers so often and I just take over in my own “wisdom” and try to fix things all by myself. I was told by a friend the other day to look back at some of the hard times and see if they had not been used to His good. I must say, that it is the case. I am a better person for they way God has put things back together.
I know that we have hands and feet to put them to use. I know we are supposed to do some work, not just sit back and wait for God to do it all. But when I am in over my head, he can totally lift the weight from me so I can catch my breath. My load can be lighter with His help. I am grateful for friends and the reminders of what is my responsibility and what is not within my control.
I was just texting my mom earlier today. We have limited contact and are trying to open up the lines of communication and amazingly this is working. She sent me a perfectly innocent comment, “Hope you are having a good day”. As I wrote back that I was feeling amazingly good lately, I realized that tears were filling my eyes. I am feeling better, way better than I have in YEARS, but with that sense of health and well being, comes the fear that it is fleeting. That the shoe may drop at any moment and it will all come crashing down around me.
I have lived for so long with chronic illness. My body defied my best dieting efforts with the hormonal changes I was experiencing and the physical changes that came along with the illness made me feel like I was living inside of a stranger. But recently, I am feeling more like myself feeling “balanced”. I am responding to my current medication in a positive way and it is bringing me healing. My body is responding with an ability to lose inches around my midsection and in my upper body. It has been so long since I have seen my waist I forgot what it was. I am finally feeling like I know me again. But in the middle of this feeling of happiness, I am scared. Scared to celebrate, scared to think it may last. I am remembering the advice I share with so many to take things one day at a time. Sometimes it is even one moment at a time, but this advice is easy to give, and not take.
It is almost as if I feel like I am not allowed to be better, to be well, after being sick for so long. It is really just about moving forward, taking things as they come. I don’t really like that, I do not like living without a script. I crave knowing what the next step is, the next thing to do, the next project that will show me the pieces to the puzzle I am missing. I want to fill in the puzzle, complete the picture. I hate being a work in progress.
Progress is good… I guess.