So. . .

Why is it I often want to start writing with the word, so? It is a way I have of telling someone something. So… the other day. Or… So, did you know this or that. It is something I say when I want to cut off any form of argument, to be right. So….. I guess sometimes when I want to start out by writing with that wonderful two letter word, I may be feeling bossy, or self righteous, or just right. Then I think to myself what is it i want to be so right or righteous about. Therein lies the problem with the word so. I often do not have any idea what it is I am feeling so right about, or if i do, I do not have a leg to stand on.

Often my life is filled with insecurity and doubt. All of the bluster that shows on the outside can so easily be uncovered as just that. The woman I am can easily see where you are in need of help, correction, holding up, or care. But when it comes to myself, I have such a hard time identifying what is going on inside that to ask for or get help is nearly impossible. Oh, do not get me wrong, I seek help. I look in all the right places, but when it comes down to it, it is difficult to get past the place of trying to “look” good. To be liked is supremely important when paying for a therapist to guide you, right? To get past that is very difficult.

The goal is to find a way to reach down deep and get honest. To say to hell with it. My desire is to find peace, to be healthy and real, not to makes another feel better about me, but to help me feel better about me. That is how one can truly be whole and find real value. There will always be critics, no matter how one acts they will find you. It is my choice whether I choose to listen to them.

Sooooo, here is to the critic and the fan, I choose not to cater to either.

m.

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