Recovering from surgery is a process that I am familiar with, but tired of. This is the last operation, I hope, for a while. It becomes draining to sit and be unable to participate as I wish to. I am lucky I guess, I have people to look out for me, friends that visit, but I feel restless. I feel somewhat like I am a captive and I want to break free. It will pass, as I get better and life once again presses in on all sides, i will wonder why i did not try to enjoy this down time more. Why I did not just relax a little but unstead was constantly searching for thing to occupy my thoughts.
I would think by now with all of the health issues I have had I would be more familiar with the process. But instead I find I am afraid that it is just another step along the road of countless other things I may have to eventually deal with. I try to not become fatalistic, I try to remain positive, but there are times, there are days when this is more difficult. So when these times hit, I just ride them out.
The truth of it is, that things may not ever improve greatly with my health. It is the reality of one with a chronic illness. But as I move through my life I need to choose to let it BE me, or to let it just be a thing that happens to me. I am so much more than all of this. So much more than aches and pains and needing to go to the doctor so much. I pray I will recall that when the hard times, when the self defeating times come.
I am grateful that I have faith. I can rest in my faith and find the comfort that pulls me through and gives me hope. Hope that it is all for a purpose.