Sometimes there is no where to take the feeling that overwhelm me. I am learning from my therapist that one must have something to do with them, and there are good ways and bad ways to do it. My best tool is sharing with others. I like to take the thoughts that whirl in my head and talk them over with someone that gets me. The hard thing is if they are not available. Either due to them being to close to the situation or because they just are not there.
I was in that place last night, it was a place of disappointment, sadness and fear. I am raising a defiant 15 year old. I need not say another word, as I know that statement says almost everything. As I work on new skills to help modify behavior and keep neutral in often volatile situations I can fail, and last night there was a failure. I cannot say that what I did was wrong or over the top based on he actions, but it did not follow the new way we have decided to work on behavior. I hate it when I am the one that is overwhelmed with anger and frustration and being manipulated to the point of acting like the child.
Patience…. Patience and practice. I know I will get better at it. Many of the tools I am being shown are so new to me, and it is hard to separate feelings when a small person is in your face, telling you that you need to be quiet because you will never shut up. Ugh!! That one is going to take some time.
The thing is, after the situation, I found I had no one to go to, nowhere to release. It is tough as my husband is so close to the situation, and he is the one I often talk to. I ended up texting my mom. My mom with whom I have had an on and off relationship for years. It was the perfect place to go. I was amazed at the words she shared. It felt healing, and it was for so many reasons. I got the mom that I needed and I felt that I was being the best mom I could be at that moment. After a few tears and a bit if time I was feeling better.
The feelings I fear so much did not kill me. I found a place to take them, to feel them and then put them to rest. They are good things as much as I would prefer to just feel the happy ones. They are all there for my good and have a purpose. I am ready to face another day of ups and downs once again knowing that whatever comes I am able to go with it and do the best I can.