I have attended two weeks of my grief group. It is seemingly just what I need. The group has 4 men and three women and I do believe the mix will be a good fit for me. Those attending are fairly diverse and they seem to want to grow. I am filled with excitement and think there is great promise for discovery. I am learning that grieving is not all about the loss of a loved one. It can reveal itself is a variety of ways.
So, one chapter into the new book and I am already seeing things that have been holding me back. Tying me to my comfort zone and keeping me hostage to the mediocrity of the status quo As I openly discuss the fear and sadness I have felt for some time, I have brought it back to the the time when I left my home town. I was talking about the joy I had in my job, in being known, in feeling the acceptance of people seeing me for who I am and that they liked that person. I was so comfortable with who I was, where i was and what i had accomplished so far.
After several moves and many years of struggling to find out who I am and what I am meant to be, I am, realizing that much of my identity was tied to the sense of security I found in being known. Over the course of moving, many job transitions, going to school and a major illness, I had to re-invent myself. I knew no one and wound up closing myself off from so much of what it was that made me unique. I put my mask securely in place and lived in a way I thought was acceptable. I was not sure who I was anymore or what I might have to offer. I often wondered if I was even worth knowing. I felt disconnected and looked for ways to find fulfillment. Some worked for a time, but ultimately were not the answer.
I am finding some answers finally. Finding them in self discovery, spiritual work and opening myself to the risk of being known. I met with my therapist earlier this week and she heard strength and direction from me. She told me I sounded more focused and confident in just the short time I have been going to her. It is encouraging to hear that others are seeing me move in such a positive direction. I am working so hard to be authentic and true to myself. It is scary to open up in this way. Scary to be so vulnerable. When I was hiding behind a facade, it was not so hard to have failure as it was not so much me being rejected. Now however if I do not make connect to people, if I do not move forward with my dreams, it is all on me. It is all on me. ~Deep Breath~ I know I can succeed.
I am taking steps to move toward goals I have had for years. In spite of the fear that I may not succeed, I know I must try. I will attend a speaking conference in the spring. Training and looking at goal setting. I want to reach out to others with the insights I have gained through my journey. Share my unique vision. I am happy and excited to learn and grow and share with others. Life is good right now, at this moment, and sometimes that is enough.