Group was hard tonight. Out of the seven people in the room, five of us cried. Not that crying is bad, it just shows the difficult week we all had. I struggle with the knowledge that I feel like I am not really allowed to feel the grief I do. I feel as though it is not my right to feel bad about the things I do, when others have had those they love die, or lost something that is somehow seen as relevant or normal to grieve for. I beat myself up for my sadness and the waves that wash over me with no real warning. I want it to be over, to feel the relief of healing or of numbness, but that is not really healing. Sometimes I think it would just make it all settle for a time, give me a sense of happiness again. I have times of that too, but they are hit or miss right now.
I am grateful to have people to journey with, to share with, to grow and move through hard times together. Things just feel in flux. I am in a time of uncertainty and I want to know where I am going. It is hard to let go of control. Many of those in the group have lost their cheering section with the loss they have suffered, and I understand that feeling. I want a cheering section, someone to be my cheerleader, my support system. I think I have it, but perhaps I do not know how to believe it. To trust that they really are cheering for me. Do I have my hands over my ears as they chant my name as I run toward victory? I maybe just need to listen harder, to lower my hands and let them hold mine as they help me run the race. Believe they want me to win, to succeed, believe they think I can. I need that.