Can God really fill me up? Can He give me enough that I am made whole in ways that are at once profound and relevant. I believe He can. I have been through a journey of transformation for some time. Searching for what was missing and have found I was what it was.
I have been married for 21 years, and the man I married chose to move into a career in the ministry at about year eight. He said he felt called to do this, and I believe he was. I got to witness the journey as my husband and I found a church together that we liked. We attended irregularly but liked it and trusted that God was real and Jesus was the savior. It became so much more important as we had children and we wanted to pass this growing love for God to them. We had a pastor at our church that we loved as well. He was dynamic and well liked. However pastors are known to move on, and he did. This was about the time when my husband was asked to be a leader in our church. It is a position called Elder, and while we searched for a new pastor, the Elders were very busy helping to fill the role of the missing pastor. We also started attending a wonderful small group Bible study right around the same time and it was amazing. All the aspects of our faith were becoming such a huge part of both of our lives and I felt the love for and of God filling all the nooks and crannies of my being.
When I think of the transition and how I watched my husband change, I attribute it to his being faithful about reading God’s word, the Bible. He began reading it daily and did not miss a day. He was learning and growing in his faith in trans formative ways. The change came to a head when in a class and he was asked to name what he would do for God if he knew he could not fail. He wrote the words “become a pastor”. This was a true moment of telling God “Yes”. I watched Him say yes to God, when it would have been so much easier to say no. I watched him change and grow into a husband that was truly a man of God, a man that loved his Lord. It was a gift.
We had recently purchased a home that I never wanted to leave when he felt the tug on his heart for God, to follow God wherever, and I did not hesitate to say yes too. Yes to my love and to my Lord. It was a moment that changed the life of not only myself and my husband but of our two small daughters who are now PK’s (preacher’s kid’s). A title which has yet to kill them.
As that journey began it seems that I began to lose myself, that the joy of the Lord faded from my heart and I began to just hang on while we moved on from one phase of the journey to the next. I forgot to keep doing the things that connected me to My Lord. I forgot that when you do not spend time with someone, you forget who they are. The longer you stay away, the less you remember what it was you liked, what you loved in the first place. That is a dangerous place to be in a life of faith. God is not someone I want to leave behind.
The next few years were difficult. But I know God had pulled me through life altering challenges in the past so I hang on, I hang on with my fingertips. Clinging to the tendrils of a faith that had once been as strong as steel, wanting the connection that in my brokenness, I remember, and want again. Brokenness and I are not strangers, God has rescued me from the pain of lost relationships, drugs and alcohol, cigarettes, and health challenges. Now he is showing me a way back from the dark place I have been lost in over the last couple years. He is leading me a step at a time, holding me by the hand and guiding me gently and confidently back into the light of His presence.
I feel the call of his voice, telling me he is enough, that he loves me, that I am not alone and I can be filled and whole. I hear him telling me that he is enough, that His love will last never leave me (Psalm 118). I run to Him each morning to listen for His words of encouragement, and when things seem to be too much and I want to run and hide, I know He will hold me up (1John 4:10). I feel transformed with a love that cannot be described. It is too big for words. This is a love that is enough.