Sometimes life gets in the way of writing. I miss my times when i can just sit quietly and let my words flow out of me. I have had so many wonderful things going on that I find writing falls by the wayside. I am working with a new Bible study group and planning to facilitate two others. It feels like such a different place than I was in not too long ago.
I think there are times when you feel you have things to do, things God is calling you for. But, you are not ready so you go on trips of avoidance. Diversions from the path that would probably be of the least resistance, however in the end these side trips can be huge learning experiences. Positive and negative, but still things to learn from. I have had a life full of lessons, whew! I think sometimes I want to be done with all of the learning and growing, but then I would not be who I am today. And today, I like me.
I am reminded a lot of the role that focusing outward plays in the level of my contentment. It seems when I look back at the times when I was lost in despair, I was filled with me. My hurts, my pain, my trials filled my mind to the point of becoming lost in despair. I am not minimizing my struggle, it is hard to be very ill while trying to be a good wife, a good mom, a good employee and a good full time student. Trying to do all of that up to an acceptable level in my mind, which was perfectly! Of course I was bound to fail, and in that failure, I was quickly bound even more deeply in despair.
I of course look back now and know I was no failure. In fact, the way I traversed all of this was quite courageous, however I failed to notice that at the time as I could not see anything on the grand scale. I see now as I have become involved in life, in others pain too, that it is all just a journey. A journey we can travel together to support one another and to give assistance when asked or get it when needed.
I was in a group recently and in the midst of remembering how ill I once was, I said “I just don’t know what I would do if I got sick again”. One of the other girls in the group looked at me and said, “What would you do?” I was taken aback, and as I sat there and considered her question, I struggled, struggled with the idea that I may have to face being ill once again and with the thought of what I would do. I sighed, and said “This time, I would ask for help.” It was only a day later that God let me put those words to the test. I awoke with a back ache that was so bad I was having trouble taking a breath. So what did I do? I got up and went to work. I was in so much pain that I was not really not capable of functioning without major doses of pain reliever and muscle relaxants. I sat at work almost in tears and finally realized that I did NOT ask for help, I had relied on myself to get it done, to be perfect, to be everything within myself. I called Jim and asked for help that very second, and I got it!! Yes, sometimes it is just that simple.
I want to be strong enough to ask for help first. I am so good to allow others to need care, to offer aid to others and not see them as anything less because of it. I want to see myself in the same eyes with which I view others. It is in this caring and being cared for that I can be truly open to hear the call from God and rise to the challenges he is putting before me.