As I talked with my therapist the other day I was reminded how much my past plays a part in my present. So often they come crashing together to form my thoughts and motivate my actions. The person I am now is certainly formed from all of the things I have been through in all of the steps of my life. In fact one of my favorite sayings is, “I have lived every moment of my life to be right here in this place”. However, some of those things that formed me can also lead me into fear and anxiety. Fear of feeling insignificant, of not being in control, (as if we ever are) of making others angry at me, and the list goes on.
Much of this anxiety happens when I am going to interact with family, or am going back to my home town. It is sad that those are the times that can make me the most unlike the self that I am the rest of my life. Those times turn me into that self-conscious, clumsy, gawky girl I was for so many years. The girl I saw myself to be. The one that was too tall, too skinny, then too fat, or always saying the wrong thing, or being ignored because someone else more important walked into the room. I am not really sure if those are just my impressions, or the truth, but as long as we feel this anxiety, as long as it feels true inside, it does not matter if it’s based in reality or not, it is my truth.
So what does one who has finally grown into themselves do to handle those times that make you the little girl that you once were? I am working on that. I realize that I am not in control of anyone else and I am not in control of situations, just how I react to them. I also realize that I am only able to accomplish, what I am able to, at any given moment. This is very empowering. So when I need to do things to make situations easier for me, I allow myself that freedom. I also know that how others react to my choices is not my business. Today I can allow them to deal with their own emotions and reactions.
As I look forward to a colliding of past and present, I will do it with a deep breath and a smile, because I am strong and I can face this with power and grace.