Tension

I decided it was time to at least get some thoughts down as I have had NO traffic for a couple of days!! Anyone who knows me, knows that if it is morning and I am at work, I am eating peanuts and drinking coffee. Not the best breakfast, but it is at least packed with protein.

I have not really talked about my illness in awhile. Well I have not talked about it, because it has been off the radar. I have had a wonderful period of recovery. Feeling good, happy to be a year past my second knee replacement and just over all   improved health with the twice a day injections I will most likely have to take forever.

That being said, I have been getting a lot of headaches lately. Everything from mildly nagging and long lasting to severe migraines that cause nausea and throwing up. The only thing that seems to cure those is Excedrin and sleep. I’ve also been exercising much more and with that came tendinitis in the top of my foot. It is painful to walk and I am limping again.

These things separately are really not a big deal I know, but… and this is a big but… When I was becoming so sick before, a lot of little things began adding up. They added up to the point that I was so sick that I could have died. While this was happening I just kept writing all of the symptoms off to some “normal” occurrence. Like age or just being moody, or that I had gotten headaches my whole life. There was always a reason for the most recent ache, pain, mood swing, or problem. Unfortunately the only reason was that I was ill. It was a systemic illness that affected everything in my body, caused from the tumor in my head.

So what does that mean today? Well it is something I want to again write off, it is something I want to ignore, but my past tells me that I cannot ignore it. So I begin to make doctor’s appointments. Just to be sure I am not sick. It is complicated living with a managed illness.

I really want so much to be normal, to not have to always think this way. I feel like I am perpetually complaining. I have heard it said about so many wonderful old people that “you never heard them complain”, well they will never say that about me. If I had not started complaining, I would most likely be dead today. So here is to another round of doctor visits and the hope that it will all be nothing to worry about. But for now, this moment, it is hard to sit in the unknown. The thought that even after all the testing, I may still not know if I am fine, I guess that is the tension of life. I just am one of those that got to experience the possibility of endings first hand. It makes the journey all the more precious,

6 comments

  1. It’s hard to be real about this stuff… we all want to keep our chin up and keep plugging along like nothing’s wrong. It’s reasonable to be concerned because you have a history that requires you to look at things differently. My prayer is that you will be fully healed and that God would shine His power through you to give others hope as well. Rom 8:28; Phil 4:13

  2. I also have the tendency to just ignore my chronic issues, but am learning to get things checked out. Ruling out things can be a blessing, even if the underlying things are still there. Praying you will get a good result and the end of those headaches!

    1. Thank you for the support! You are so appreciated.

  3. Pamela Patterson · · Reply

    Michelle, you shall be in my prayers, I have such loving, fun memories of you and your loving craziness! And being a buddy for my Kelsey!

    1. Thanks Pam!! I just loved that girl, she was my only ally. 🙂

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