I am driven. Moved to do more, be more, step up and make a difference. The problem is I don’t know where to begin, what to do to make this huge difference I feel compelled to make. As I grow older, I often notice a sense that I am missing something. But, when I honestly evaluate all I am, all I do and all I have accomplished, it’s not true. I am not missing anything. I may still be destined to do more, but that is not really a lacking, just a state of not yet.
From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed of being married and having a family. It is all I ever wanted. I hoped and prayed and waited and finally God gave me my handsome prince. My prince and I made two little princesses and we lived happily ever after…well, not exactly… that is not true life, but we do have a good life, a blessed life, by any measurable standard.
There are times however, when I feel incomplete, like I should be more, or should be striving for more. This inner voice can cast a shadow on all things good in my world and send me on a crash course for disaster. I begin to find discontent in all the things that I thought would bring me joy. I begin to seek that “thing” that will fill the void of desperation inside of me. But try as I might to find the perfect fix, that one thing I am supposed to do or be to feel complete, I do not think it exists.
I was recently telling a friend about an experience I had when I was around 20. I was invited to a church service by a friend where a woman was speaking who was supposedly a prophetess. Now I say supposedly, because I was raised in a church where this type of belief was given little credence. However I went and listened. She was a good speaker, engaging and knowledgeable but during her talk, she would occasionally point at someone and speak a specific prophecy to them. Suddenly she pointed right at me. Me! I was in a room filled with people, and she looked at me and said “You! (While I looked around at those near me hoping she was talking to one of them, but no such luck.) You will do great things for God.” Well, at that time of my life I was rather wild and wanted a beer a lot more than I wanted to do great things for God, so I thought, “NO WAY, not me.” However, the older I have gotten and the more my faith has become my focus, the more I have thought what could that have meant? Was she right? What am I supposed to do for God? That is a large weight to have looming over your head, a weight that my friend saw the minute I told her the story. She said, “Oh! That explains why you feel the way you do.” I knew exactly what she meant when she said those words.
I want to be able to just live each day and take it as it comes. Instead I expect so much from myself that no matter what I do, I find it is not the thing I thought I was supposed to do. I have started and stopped several endeavors just to feel like I failed, but as I was pursuing them, the appeal faded and it seemed like they were not the thing. So I live in this state of tension, the driven feeling in me often causing discontent and anxiety.
I think I may be ready to just walk in the path that is set before me day by day. To just watch the road ahead and see what comes without trying see too far ahead. It is all in God’s hands anyway, so I will try to pry my fingers from the wheel and let Him steer. I know I have things to do, each and every day, big and small. So instead of me judging myself and my usefulness to God I want to let Him lead and guide so that I am truly being used for Him as He sees fit.
I think that the joy of all of the things that I have become and the wonder that I really did get the things I dreamed of when I was a little girl, lose their appeal when all you do is look for the next better thing. So here is to enjoying and thanking and loving all of the gifts I have been given. Living in the moment and just being.